(EXT. POST-APOCALYPTIC FIELD - DAY)
A sudden cut from black to the sky overhead, the sun O/S. Pan down to the empty field, maybe with some kind of scrap metal or a ruined barn. The lighting is very warm orange and harsh. We see a SCAVENGER walking across the field and towards our landmark. He might be clad in a hood and gas mask and maybe a jacket or vest, a bindle, maybe. We cut to a low-angle shot in which the scavvy stands over us as viewers. He leans down.
SCAVENGER
The poor bastard...
We cut to a corpse on the ground clad in a pocketed vest or jacket. Our scavvy flips through the corpse's pockets and takes a few bullets, a scrap of jerky, and then a roll of bandage.
SCAVENGER
It's a shame you left us. You did your best, but it's time to rest. Save some paradise for the rest of us when we make it.
The scavenger chuckles. He takes the corpse's dog tags, too.
SCAVENGER
(reading the tags)
Jeremy...
He does a cross motion with the tags, and then sticks them into a pocket.
SCAVENGER
well, I am in your debt, dear friend. Thank you for being so generous.
We transition to a shot of the scavvy walking past, the location the corpse was in now buried under junk with "RIP JEREMY" carved into the dirt. The scavvy pulls his revolver, checks his ammo, and then secures it into his holster once more... More time passes, we see him take out the piece of jerky and bite into it... another transition, and now the scavenger is at a different bit of debris, a new monument. We cut to a shot of a small plant growing from the cracked earth. The scavenger kneels before the plant, inspecting its leaves, and then stands again. He takes a few steps... and then we cut to see two people walking towards him! He draws his gun!
SCAVENGER
(aiming at the two figures)
Whoa, now! State your name and business!
We cut to the two people again, a MAN and a WOMAN. They are clad in bright polo shirts and clean, light khakis. Their hair is immaculately parted and their skin is clean. The woman is holding a clip board.
MAN
Hello! I'm Charlie!
WOMAN
And I'm Eliza! We're from the Sammie Mae student loan company!
We cut back to the scavenger, who looks absolutely incredulous. They clearly have not been thinking about student loans in, y'know, a fucking apocalypse. He holsters his gun.
SCAVENGER
(flatly)
What.
Cut back to the two loan officers.
WOMAN
Your loans have been due for three months and we have tried calling and emailing about them, so we are here in person to collect.
MAN
(happily)
You owe 683 dollars and fourteen cents for the month of September,
WOMAN
And $683.14 for the month of October...
MAN
And $683.14 for the month of November, bringing your running total to $2,050!
Once again cut to the scavvy, a big wide shot where we can see nothing but dirt, junk, and more or less nothing else. He gestures towards the dirt.
SCAVENGER
...No, you're punking me. C'mon.
MAN
Now, if you are having problems paying at your current rates, we can work on a new financing schedule!
WOMAN
(cheery as can be)
We can bring your monthly payment down to $608.77 over the course of 192 payments before factoring in an interest rate of 16.9%!
Cut back to a closeup of the scavenger, who has gone into the world-famous double facepalm. Beat.
SCAVENGER
(half dead-serious, half joking)
How long were you guys living in your little underground bunker? When did they freeze you? 2015? 2016? 2019 at the LATEST, I'll give ya,
(breaking up laughing)
but I swear to GOD if it was after 2020, you're pulling my fucking leg!
Cut back to the loan officers.
MAN
...So, will it be a check, or a card?
Cut back to the scavvy.
SCAVENGER
...I haven't thought of a check or a card in AGES. I paid for this bindle with a magazine of AR-15 rounds and a blowjob. I got this vest by fending off raiders at the Oswego Water Farm. This gas mask was lent by a poor soul who couldn't make it! I walked through 150 degree heat for three days, waded through neck-high water in Chicago because I couldn't wait for the tides to recede and pull the water back to Waukegan, I dealt with softball-sized hail, collecting and bartering the whole way through, and you know what NEVER came up during my travels? Nobody's asked for cash or checks, because NOBODY's dealing in money anymore!
Cut back to the loan officers. Awkward beat.
WOMAN
Maybe we should come back tonight!
Cut back to the scavenger, who points towards the sky. Cut to looking at the sky. We see the moon, and it's MASSIVE.
SCAVENGER (O/S)
It's already night.
Cut back to the Scavvy.
SCAVENGER (cont)
Look... are you just bored kids? I get it, your phones don't work, and so you fetched some clothes from a derelict mall, and you're going around making people live their stress nightmares or whatever,
Cut back to the loan officers. The MAN takes out a phone after about six seconds.
SCAVENGER (O/S) (cont)
so this is what you're doing for kicks. I get it, before the radios went down, I was using them to--no, no, NO, what the fuck could you be searching? Everything is down, nobody even has electricity! Where did you charge that thing, and--and no case?! You're just raw-doggin' it?!
MAN
Okay, so I did a quick conversion given your previous comments. A single 5.56 sound costs 36 cents, so your exchange for your gear there works out to $56.80, so we can work out an exchange rate for your student loans in your respective currency--
Sudden cut back to scavvy, who draws his gun.
SCAVENGER
Okay, fuck this--
Cut to black, two quick bangs.
END.
I wrote this in August 2021 with the idea that I would one day be able to film this. Turns out that sourcing anything like this in suburban Illinois is just about impossible, but if anyone in like Arizona wants to bring this to life please do, and credit me with writing it. :)
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